I feel...

Well pretty icky actually. Not sure whats up but my tummy feels a little weird kinda like, well, like theres a hole in it or something. I know that sounds strange but thats the best way i have to describe it. I think I'm drinking too much coffee. I like my coffee with a little coffee and a lot of sugar and creamer and the past few days (ok about a week) I've been having two or three cups a day. This from a person who usually just drinks water so I'm thinking that is my problem.
On a lighter note i did manage to lose one pound this week so yayy! I have been walking on the treadmill five or six times a week for an hour each day and I joined a push up challenge and have been doing that everyday. I feel proud that I have been exercising regularly that tends to be something i have a hard time doing but I'm just going to keep going. I have failed many times in the past but I'm not looking backward any more! For me its forward march! The other day i totally had a case of the lazies! I did not want to exercise even though i was mad at myself for NOT exercising! So finally i got off my lazy ass and got on the treadmill. Nevermind that it was 10 at night. And i did 90 minutes instead of just 60! I was proud...and tired. I think thats the first time i made myself do it instead of just saying oh I'll do it tomorrow.
Ok thats all for now. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!

God Is A Man....

This I know for this simple reason: if God were a woman men would have TOM and have to give birth!! If God were an asexual non-gender being then maybe men and women would have to share these-blessings, curses-whatever you want to call them. Maybe men would have TOM and women would give birth or vice versa who knows. But what I'm telling you is that God is definitely a MAN!!

On the exercise and eating front things are going well. I was over my calories a couple of times but by less than like 40 calories each time. Last night we had spirit night for my youngest sons school (you have dinner at the specified restaurant and a portion of the money you spend there is donated to the school) at Moe's and I went a wee bit over on calories (by about 55). I've been over a couple of times in the past week and last night when we got home it just kept eating at me (no pun intended)! So I jumped back on the treadmill and did another 30 minutes. Hubby thought I had gone crazy and maybe I have. I just was not happy about going over so I did something about it. Was that the smartest thing to do? Should I have just left it a lone and maybe worked out a little longer/harder today? Well, I don't know but I did what I did and I felt good about it so I'm not going to second guess it!

What did I do?

Ugh. I stepped on the scale yesterday instead of waiting until my normal weigh in day. It was there, I was there, it just kind of happened. And then I wished it didn't happen. Isn't that the way it goes. It showed me being 3 pounds up but I know that can't be right, can it? I've been watching my calories and have been under all week AND I've been exercising. So I know that it is something else. Something like the whole muscle weight vs. fat weight thing (even though I've read that it isn't true) and I don't really think I have put on muscle. I've been doing push ups and walking not any weight lifting. I have not been great with my water intake and I am a salt fiend so I'm thinking its water retention. Thats what I'm going with for now anyway. and I guess we'll see how it goes when weigh-in day gets here.

Good Day

I've had a good day today. Work was sucky but other than that life is good! I had a nice long walk (on the treadmill) and did my push ups for the november challenge I joined.

I'm pretty happy with my food choices today and am under my calories even though I feel pretty full! I have realized I need to watch my sugar intake. I love hot tea with sugar and drink a few cups a day. I'm goin to start  gradually cutting back how much sugar I put in each cup.

I'm gonna leave it short tonight. We've just finished dinner and are watching a movie so you guys have a great night! It's family time for me!!

My Own Worst Enemy

So I was thinking today about "who" I am. I am many things to many people. I'm a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, ect. To my husband I am a wife, friend, lover, the magnificent woman that gave him 2 beautiful sons, the woman that tells him where the ketchup is even though its on the damn door of the fridge right where it always is!! Um, yeah, sorry. Anyway, to my kids I'm the woman that brought them into this world (and sometimes threatens to take them right back out), the woman that reminds them to brush their teeth everyday even though neither one of them is under the age of 5 you wouldn't think they still needed to be told but whatever, I tuck them in at night, check and help them with their homework and wash their clothes but I swear to you I'm not picking up any more dirty clothes! If you can't get them to the laundry room then just go NAKED!!!! Sorry, where was I..... Oh yeah, I'm many things to many people and people love me! I'm the one they call to bitch about other people. I'm the one that is able to listen to them and help them try to see a different point of view. I'm the person that can always look at a persons situation and help them find the silver lining. I can't count how many times I've said "yeah, that's true. but look at it like this..." and somehow those people always feel a little better after talking to me.


I'm the girl that will make sure people are laughing. I'm telling jokes or funny stories or pointing out the humor in some situation. I'm the girl that throws a party and everybody shows up cause they know we're gonna have a good time. I'll take care of your pets, water your plants and take in your mail when you're out of town. I will get a conversation started with that cute guy in the next booth that neither of us has ever seen before and then excuse myself so you can have him all to yourself. I'm the one that will be the life of the party until things get good, then I'll sneak over to my corner so I'm not in the way.


People love me for the most part. Of course being all these things (and more) means that when I'm not feeling it or am not able to help or do something for someone they get all pissy but lets save that for another show!


I do these things and am good to everyone....except me. I don't stand up for myself. If someone says its my fault then it must be. I don't take care of myself. I don't buy the clothes I need. If I am given money for birthdays or Christmas or whatever, I spend it on someone else. Never myself, that would be selfish. I don't get massages, pedicures, manicures, and I usually cut my own hair. I don't see the silver lining in my own problems. I put off doing things for myself so that I can do for other  people. I don't want to seem like I'm being the martyr but this is how it is. This is me being honest about it. If hubby has a bad day at work I tell him how sorry I am. Why am I sorry? Because if I made more money or won the lottery or had rich parents then he wouldn't have to work. If the food or service is bad at a restaurant I apologize. Why? I am not the waiter or the cook....but maybe it was my suggestion to eat there. Or maybe we ate there cause hubby knows I like it so I'm sorry.


I can look at any person and find something beautiful, funny, charming, wonderful about them. I look at myself and all I feel is disgust. How did I let myself get this way? How could I have let it go on this long? Oh my God I look terrible! Why is my hair so frizzy, those pants are much too tight, my shirt is faded cause it's been washed too many times! My skin is terrible, look at how blotchy it is, my eyebrows are too bushy and my eyelashes too sparse. I'm a complete wreck. But what do you expect, look around at this place. I'm no house keeper that's for damn sure! That pile of clothes over there, the dust on the table, the wood that hasn't been cleaned in a month, the trim that hubby put up in the bathroom you would think I would have had that painted already but nope.


Really its no wonder I'm a mess. If I were as bad to other people as I am to myself my husband would divorce me, my kids would hate me and none of my friends or family would have anything to do with me! I would never treat them like that because its terrible! But why is it ok to treat myself that way? Why is it ok to belittle myself when I would never do that to another person?


But I don't know how. I don't know how to treat myself at least as good as I treat everyone else. I keep hearing you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you but I don't think that's true. I definitely feel love from people but I don't like myself at all. The only good things I've done in my life are my children. If you ask other people they could maybe tell you good things about me but for the life of me I don't know what they would be. I do know I have to stop having this mentality. Its slowly killing me and its keeping me from doing the things and being the person I want to be and think I could be.


I think I've started trying to pull myself out of this hole. I've started exercising and eating better and have lost some weight. I think that's a start but I doubt myself. I've been here before. I'll get excited about a few pounds dropped, I'll be energetic and exercise and then just poof I'll stop. I'm too tired to exercise, I want the huge steak and the gooey dessert and well if that meal is a bust then I guess the rest of the day is too. And if the day is a bust then that will extend to the rest of the week. And then maybe we'll just say screw it and start again next Monday. And gain back those few pounds between now and then. Then when Monday rolls around maybe I'll sneeze or it'll rain or something will happen so that I just don't feel like starting another diet and another exercise plan. Yada yada yada. Yeah I've been through this a few times.


I'm trying to make this time different. I'm not excluding any foods just trying to make better decisions about how much and how often I eat certain ones. And trying to concentrate on how good exercise makes me feel. I've been walking everyday and having my family go with me. That's been a lot of fun because the kids start talking to me and each other instead of texting their friends and sitting in their bedrooms and it's good for them whether they know it or not. I love walking outside (instead of on the treadmill) and enjoy hiking so that's what I've been doing. It has paid off with some pounds lost and I tend to be in a better mood afterward. I don't really feel that much more energy but being in a good mood afterward is nice!


So this is how I have to do it I guess. Day by day, minute by minute, inch by inch. Maybe with some more exercise and good food choices I'll start seeing some improvement in the mirror and maybe that will help to start treating myself more like I treat all the other people in my life and a little less like some big nasty ass bug that I just want to squash.

Chick fil a

was not real nice to me today! The people were fine it was the food that was not nice to me! My oldest is in highschool and sometimes he likes for me to bring him something special to eat instead of always having to eat school lunches. I make him give me money for his "special" food (I pay for his school lunches) and I sometimes will buy something for myself when I pick up his food. Today he wanted Chick fil a and while I was sitting in the drive thru lane I decided that a chicken sandwich sounded pretty darn good! And it was good! All yummy and chicken-y with those pickle slices and some mayo.....Well, it was yummy to eat it but just a few minutes after I finished I was not feeling so good. It was like that chicken sandwich got in my stomach and formed a huge ball then grew and grew and grew! I felt like there was a bowling ball in there. It was awful! I don't eat fast food very often but it's never made me feel like that. I'm thinking it will be a while before I eat it again.
By the time I got home from work I had a raging headache. I took some Advil and laid down for about an hour and that seemed to help mostly. The bad thing was I could still kind of feel it. Like the place in my head where the headache was wasn't painful anymore but it just felt like, I don't know how to explain it. Like it didn't hurt but I was just more aware of that particular area in my brain. When I got up hubby and oldest son were watching a movie so I finished watching with them. I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to work out today. With the tummy trouble and the headache and then it was late I figured I would just use this as a rest day. But when the movie was over I was feeling better so I put on my shoes and jumped on the treadmill. So I ended up getting my workout today! WooHoo! I didn't have to talk myself into it or half-ass it or anything. I just jumped up there and got it done! Sounds like progress to me!!

I'm Lovin' It!

What am I loving? you may be asking. Well I'll tell you. I'm loving the SmartOnes desserts. Oh my goodness how yummy! I had one for the first time yesterday it was the brownie a la mode. So good. Its 200 calories and just the right thing to satisfy my sweet tooth (which can get grouchy)! Oh yum, sorry drooling on my keyboard.
I have been blogging at night but that ends up making me late getting in bed. I have to get up early and I NEED my sleep! So I decided to try to start doing it during the day.
I've been doing pretty well with my eating and exercise lately. I'm keeping track of my calories on a website http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and it is very helpful and there is a lot of help and motivation from the other members which I love.
I have managed to stay under my calorie limits and get at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday. I have found  a couple of foods I don't really like. One of them being gnocchi. I tried it for the first time last night and it's totally not my favorite! I think it's a texture thing. It's very chewy and I just couldn't take it. I also discovered that I LOVE mixing broccoli with couscous! I have eaten couscous for a while now but last night I threw some steamed broccoli in it and yummy yummy it was good in my tummy!!
Alrighty I guess thats all for now. Go out and find something yummy today!!

outdoors

So today I took my boys and went for a nice walk outside. It's a great time of year-not too hot not too cold. It was maybe 55 degrees so a little chilly but that was good because I didn't get too hot. The boys went with me cause I didn't give them a choice. They took their skateboard and scooter so they had a good time.
I've discovered I really prefer walking outside. I'm usually just on the treadmill and I end up getting bored and just watching my the little display till my time is up. However, when I was outside today I had all sorts of nice things to look at (and lots of stepping over the hunks of pine straw). For some reason I also ended up getting lost in thought. I don't understand why I can't do that on the treadmill too, it would make the time go by much faster!
During my walk today I started thinking about how bad I am at taking compliments. Any time anyone says something nice to or about me I find some way to deflect it. An example: Last weekend was my cousin's wedding. She lives a few states away but the wedding was just a couple of hours from me so I went. While I was getting ready (doing the hair and makeup thing) I actually got a glimpse of myself and thought "you know it's too bad I'm so fat. I could be really pretty". Wow what a horrible thing! Why can't I see myself as pretty even though I do need to lose weight. I'm not hideous! Why can't I see that? Throughout the entire night everyone kept coming up and telling me how pretty I looked. I do wear makeup on a daily basis but usually just foundation and powder but this was a special occasion so I pulled out the heavy artillery. I'm talking blush, lipstick, eyeliner....the whole nine yards. And I did look nice. But every time someone complimented me I totally deflected! I would say "oh you're so sweet gosh look how pretty you are! I wish I could wear that skirt" or "me? hell, look at you! You're stunning!" No matter who said it or what they said I couldn't just say "thank you" and then let it make me feel good about myself. Why is that?
So I have some (a lot of) extra weight. That doesn't make me less of a person. I'm still a good mom and wife and friend. And anyone that knows me can tell you that I throw one mean party! I have friends and family that love me and (for the most part) don't make me feel like a fat useless cow. So why do I find it so hard to let people tell me that? I know I have to be hard on myself so that I get up and do what I need to do (exercise, eat decent food) otherwise I just lay around watching t.v. and grabbing some snacks during commercial breaks. But being hard on myself doesn't mean I have to be bad to myself, right? I mean, isn't part of getting healthy learning to be good to myself? Knowing when to give myself a break and not putting everyone's needs ahead of my own ALL the time? Thats hard to do for me. I have spent my whole life taking care of other people. Even my mom and my brothers and sisters. I didn't get much of a childhood because I had to learn to take care of my baby brother before I was 5 years old. I was held responsible for the (bad) things he did. If something got spilled or broken or toys were not put away I got in trouble for it. I would tell my mom that he did it, or they were his toys and she would tell me that I'm older and he's just a little kid so I needed to clean it up.
Keep in mind that I was only 5! And I don't mean I just got fussed at. My mom was a firm believer in spankings and she was not afraid to dole it out and she didn't care who was around or where we were.
I spent my childhood running around behind him (and my other brothers and sisters when they came along) cleaning up his toys and messes and trying to make sure that no matter what he didn't cry! Cause if he wasn't happy about something then I obviously was the cause of it and then there was another spanking. And with the spanking came the insults. Why couldn't I do things right? Why did I have to be so hard-headed? Why couldn't I do the things my mother needed? Why did I have to do stuff to make her spank me? I didn't have the answers then and I don't have them now. What I do know is that words hurt worse than belts or switches. I didn't realize that then but I do now.
So I guess I learned from a young age that I wasn't good enough and now I'm trying to re-teach myself. I am worth it. I am a good person. I am loved and I do love. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks and I'm seeing that this is not going to be easy. Children are blank canvases and once you paint on that canvas....can it ever be erased? Can that paint ever be scraped off so that it can be redone? I guess that's what I'm trying to find out.

In the beginning

there was a fat girl who didn’t want to be.  That would be me.  Hello and welcome. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile! So, why am I here……well, I guess I’m here to try to get all of this stuff out of my head. I think its taking up too much real estate in there and I need to make some space. So consider this my storage unit!

Yes I’m overweight, fat, obese, unhealthy, unhappy, blah, and just plain not feeling it! But I’m also a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Over the years I’ve tried every diet and trick you can imagine. I’ve tried pills, shakes, diets, programs, severe calorie restriction, and on and on and on. I’ve even tried exercising and eating healthy. That works well as long as you stick with it. I’m more of a “gimme results RIGHT NOW” kinda girl. I want to see it work. I want the pill that says “melt fat while you sleep” to actually work. I want the results without hard work. I want it to come easy and without all the bad stuff…like having to sweat.
I have found that this is just not going to happen. I have to do the hard work. I have to watch what I eat. Eat the right things. Don’t eat the “wrong” things. And exercise! I’ve always hated sweating. My mom has a story she loves to tell people about this even though she knows it embarrasses the crap outta me. We won’t get into that now, though.  And the remark about not eating “wrong” things-don’t get me wrong. I subscribe to the theory that you shouldn’t deny yourself anything (unless it’s illegal that is) you should use moderation and self-control. And those are things I’m learning now.
So that’s why I’m here. This is my journey. The journey to the thin healthy girl that lives inside me. I’ll use this space to

• update on my quest to get healthy
• vent about life in general
• talk about things I’m learning
• ask questions so maybe you can teach me along the way
• talk about weight loss and all that goes with it

I saw a movie a while ago and the lead female part was Reese Witherspoon. Her character was thin and beautiful as an adult but as a teenager she was overweight. Her boyfriend sees a picture of her from highschool and makes some comment about her being overweight and she says “I ate my feelings”. It goes on from there but that really struck me. I have a lot of things that I don’t say, things that maybe I should but I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I have many things bottled up and I feel I need to release them. I think for a long time I’ve “eaten my feelings” and I want to stop doing that. I think for me the best way to do this is to try to get those emotions out of my head and heart. So, yeah, there might be some pretty gory childhood details that end up here. I hope no one gets offended or hurt by these things but I have to get rid of them. I have to find the real me. So I guess this blog will be to help me get healthy physically and emotionally.
I expect parts will be fun and some will be not so fun. But I think all in all it will be quite a ride! So I hope you will join me on the roller coaster. Hold on it’s going to be a bumpy ride!!!