So I was thinking today about "who" I am. I am many things to many people. I'm a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, ect. To my husband I am a wife, friend, lover, the magnificent woman that gave him 2 beautiful sons, the woman that tells him where the ketchup is even though its on the damn door of the fridge right where it always is!! Um, yeah, sorry. Anyway, to my kids I'm the woman that brought them into this world (and sometimes threatens to take them right back out), the woman that reminds them to brush their teeth everyday even though neither one of them is under the age of 5 you wouldn't think they still needed to be told but whatever, I tuck them in at night, check and help them with their homework and wash their clothes but I swear to you I'm not picking up any more dirty clothes! If you can't get them to the laundry room then just go NAKED!!!! Sorry, where was I..... Oh yeah, I'm many things to many people and people love me! I'm the one they call to bitch about other people. I'm the one that is able to listen to them and help them try to see a different point of view. I'm the person that can always look at a persons situation and help them find the silver lining. I can't count how many times I've said "yeah, that's true. but look at it like this..." and somehow those people always feel a little better after talking to me.
I'm the girl that will make sure people are laughing. I'm telling jokes or funny stories or pointing out the humor in some situation. I'm the girl that throws a party and everybody shows up cause they know we're gonna have a good time. I'll take care of your pets, water your plants and take in your mail when you're out of town. I will get a conversation started with that cute guy in the next booth that neither of us has ever seen before and then excuse myself so you can have him all to yourself. I'm the one that will be the life of the party until things get good, then I'll sneak over to my corner so I'm not in the way.
People love me for the most part. Of course being all these things (and more) means that when I'm not feeling it or am not able to help or do something for someone they get all pissy but lets save that for another show!
I do these things and am good to everyone....except me. I don't stand up for myself. If someone says its my fault then it must be. I don't take care of myself. I don't buy the clothes I need. If I am given money for birthdays or Christmas or whatever, I spend it on someone else. Never myself, that would be selfish. I don't get massages, pedicures, manicures, and I usually cut my own hair. I don't see the silver lining in my own problems. I put off doing things for myself so that I can do for other people. I don't want to seem like I'm being the martyr but this is how it is. This is me being honest about it. If hubby has a bad day at work I tell him how sorry I am. Why am I sorry? Because if I made more money or won the lottery or had rich parents then he wouldn't have to work. If the food or service is bad at a restaurant I apologize. Why? I am not the waiter or the cook....but maybe it was my suggestion to eat there. Or maybe we ate there cause hubby knows I like it so I'm sorry.
I can look at any person and find something beautiful, funny, charming, wonderful about them. I look at myself and all I feel is disgust. How did I let myself get this way? How could I have let it go on this long? Oh my God I look terrible! Why is my hair so frizzy, those pants are much too tight, my shirt is faded cause it's been washed too many times! My skin is terrible, look at how blotchy it is, my eyebrows are too bushy and my eyelashes too sparse. I'm a complete wreck. But what do you expect, look around at this place. I'm no house keeper that's for damn sure! That pile of clothes over there, the dust on the table, the wood that hasn't been cleaned in a month, the trim that hubby put up in the bathroom you would think I would have had that painted already but nope.
Really its no wonder I'm a mess. If I were as bad to other people as I am to myself my husband would divorce me, my kids would hate me and none of my friends or family would have anything to do with me! I would never treat them like that because its terrible! But why is it ok to treat myself that way? Why is it ok to belittle myself when I would never do that to another person?
But I don't know how. I don't know how to treat myself at least as good as I treat everyone else. I keep hearing you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you but I don't think that's true. I definitely feel love from people but I don't like myself at all. The only good things I've done in my life are my children. If you ask other people they could maybe tell you good things about me but for the life of me I don't know what they would be. I do know I have to stop having this mentality. Its slowly killing me and its keeping me from doing the things and being the person I want to be and think I could be.
I think I've started trying to pull myself out of this hole. I've started exercising and eating better and have lost some weight. I think that's a start but I doubt myself. I've been here before. I'll get excited about a few pounds dropped, I'll be energetic and exercise and then just poof I'll stop. I'm too tired to exercise, I want the huge steak and the gooey dessert and well if that meal is a bust then I guess the rest of the day is too. And if the day is a bust then that will extend to the rest of the week. And then maybe we'll just say screw it and start again next Monday. And gain back those few pounds between now and then. Then when Monday rolls around maybe I'll sneeze or it'll rain or something will happen so that I just don't feel like starting another diet and another exercise plan. Yada yada yada. Yeah I've been through this a few times.
I'm trying to make this time different. I'm not excluding any foods just trying to make better decisions about how much and how often I eat certain ones. And trying to concentrate on how good exercise makes me feel. I've been walking everyday and having my family go with me. That's been a lot of fun because the kids start talking to me and each other instead of texting their friends and sitting in their bedrooms and it's good for them whether they know it or not. I love walking outside (instead of on the treadmill) and enjoy hiking so that's what I've been doing. It has paid off with some pounds lost and I tend to be in a better mood afterward. I don't really feel that much more energy but being in a good mood afterward is nice!
So this is how I have to do it I guess. Day by day, minute by minute, inch by inch. Maybe with some more exercise and good food choices I'll start seeing some improvement in the mirror and maybe that will help to start treating myself more like I treat all the other people in my life and a little less like some big nasty ass bug that I just want to squash.
No comments:
Post a Comment