outdoors

So today I took my boys and went for a nice walk outside. It's a great time of year-not too hot not too cold. It was maybe 55 degrees so a little chilly but that was good because I didn't get too hot. The boys went with me cause I didn't give them a choice. They took their skateboard and scooter so they had a good time.
I've discovered I really prefer walking outside. I'm usually just on the treadmill and I end up getting bored and just watching my the little display till my time is up. However, when I was outside today I had all sorts of nice things to look at (and lots of stepping over the hunks of pine straw). For some reason I also ended up getting lost in thought. I don't understand why I can't do that on the treadmill too, it would make the time go by much faster!
During my walk today I started thinking about how bad I am at taking compliments. Any time anyone says something nice to or about me I find some way to deflect it. An example: Last weekend was my cousin's wedding. She lives a few states away but the wedding was just a couple of hours from me so I went. While I was getting ready (doing the hair and makeup thing) I actually got a glimpse of myself and thought "you know it's too bad I'm so fat. I could be really pretty". Wow what a horrible thing! Why can't I see myself as pretty even though I do need to lose weight. I'm not hideous! Why can't I see that? Throughout the entire night everyone kept coming up and telling me how pretty I looked. I do wear makeup on a daily basis but usually just foundation and powder but this was a special occasion so I pulled out the heavy artillery. I'm talking blush, lipstick, eyeliner....the whole nine yards. And I did look nice. But every time someone complimented me I totally deflected! I would say "oh you're so sweet gosh look how pretty you are! I wish I could wear that skirt" or "me? hell, look at you! You're stunning!" No matter who said it or what they said I couldn't just say "thank you" and then let it make me feel good about myself. Why is that?
So I have some (a lot of) extra weight. That doesn't make me less of a person. I'm still a good mom and wife and friend. And anyone that knows me can tell you that I throw one mean party! I have friends and family that love me and (for the most part) don't make me feel like a fat useless cow. So why do I find it so hard to let people tell me that? I know I have to be hard on myself so that I get up and do what I need to do (exercise, eat decent food) otherwise I just lay around watching t.v. and grabbing some snacks during commercial breaks. But being hard on myself doesn't mean I have to be bad to myself, right? I mean, isn't part of getting healthy learning to be good to myself? Knowing when to give myself a break and not putting everyone's needs ahead of my own ALL the time? Thats hard to do for me. I have spent my whole life taking care of other people. Even my mom and my brothers and sisters. I didn't get much of a childhood because I had to learn to take care of my baby brother before I was 5 years old. I was held responsible for the (bad) things he did. If something got spilled or broken or toys were not put away I got in trouble for it. I would tell my mom that he did it, or they were his toys and she would tell me that I'm older and he's just a little kid so I needed to clean it up.
Keep in mind that I was only 5! And I don't mean I just got fussed at. My mom was a firm believer in spankings and she was not afraid to dole it out and she didn't care who was around or where we were.
I spent my childhood running around behind him (and my other brothers and sisters when they came along) cleaning up his toys and messes and trying to make sure that no matter what he didn't cry! Cause if he wasn't happy about something then I obviously was the cause of it and then there was another spanking. And with the spanking came the insults. Why couldn't I do things right? Why did I have to be so hard-headed? Why couldn't I do the things my mother needed? Why did I have to do stuff to make her spank me? I didn't have the answers then and I don't have them now. What I do know is that words hurt worse than belts or switches. I didn't realize that then but I do now.
So I guess I learned from a young age that I wasn't good enough and now I'm trying to re-teach myself. I am worth it. I am a good person. I am loved and I do love. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks and I'm seeing that this is not going to be easy. Children are blank canvases and once you paint on that canvas....can it ever be erased? Can that paint ever be scraped off so that it can be redone? I guess that's what I'm trying to find out.